How Everyone Else is Preventing Me From Winning the Mega-Millions Lottery

Tonight the Mega-Millions jackpot is going to make history as the largest sum of money ever won from the lottery. With my 12 tickets in hand, I am already counting my winnings and planning what to do with all that money. I have determined my retired father-in-law is going to work for me once I win all that money.

I need a light bulb changed, here is $1,000 to go buy me the latest in energy saving bulbs AND install it for me. I have a craving for conch fritters…here is my private jet and a spear to go get me some fresh ones out of the ocean. Not only am I going to be filthy rich, but so is my father-in-law. Maybe, just maybe I will even let him ride along with me in my new Lamborghini. We can all dream big, can’t we?

Well my chances of hitting it big really are not that stacked in my favor. The chances of winning the Mega-Millions: 1 in 175,711,536. The chances of getting struck by lightning in your lifetime: 1 in 3,000. The chances of me having a spoonful of peanut butter with honey today: very probable. So I can dream all I want, but the reason I am not going to win the lottery is because of every one of you that is also playing.

The man on the Today Show this morning, who won the lottery 7 times says it is because he studies which numbers come up most often. In addition, he proclaims never play numbers if they have won before. OK, so the guy did win the lottery 7 times, but the random assortment of numbers all have an equal probability of coming up in the lottery. Unless someone figured out a way to weigh the balls differently, causing a greater chance of them to settle out into the playing field. That is it; the balls with more paint on them surely must be the ones that weight the most. I am going to be filthy rich with my new approach.

As I was getting ready for work this morning, my mathematical mind started to wonder, and here is my plan for winning the lottery. The odds of winning are 1 in 175,711,536. The current jackpot is $540 million. Therefore, if I can garner $175,711,536 before the drawing of numbers, I can guarantee a win by purchasing every possible combination of numbers. In other words, for a small donation of $175,711,536, I can guarantee a return of $540 million. That is until every single other person buying a ticket gets involved in my scheme.

1) The first problem would be how someone could possibly purchase that many tickets? How many machines would it take printing non-stop to print out every possible winning combination of numbers. My mathematical mind can not figure it out thinking about all my future winnings.

2) Even if I had a ticket with every possible winning number, how would I find the ONE ticket among millions of little pieces of paper. It would be like the scene in Willy Wonka where the factory owner used all of his employees to open candy bar after candy bar until they found the golden ticket. Who is in?

3) Taxes. OK, so $540 million will not really be $540 million. First, if I purchase $175,711,536 worth of tickets, that should also go into the pot, making the new jackpot $715,000,000. I am getting richer just thinking about this. Now I am just going to assume worst case scenario of a lump sum payment, and every hand gets their fair share. So if 50% of the money goes to helping out every community I live in, I would still be left with about $357,500,000. I guess I can still afford to pay my father-in-law extraordinary fees for my menial tasks.

Even with my $175,711,536 investment, I still stand to come out approximately $182,000,000 richer. I think that is a great return on investment everyone. You in yet?

4) The biggest obstacle is each and every one of you challenging my winning endeavor. If even one of you also comes up with the winning number combination, my winnings just got cut in half. Are my opportunity costs still viable?

Add a couple more winning tickets to the fray, and now I start to lose money. So the best chances of me to win this huge lump of money is for each one of you to stop playing. I want the golden ticket! I WANT THE GOLDEN GOOSE OR A TRAINED SQUIRREL OR somebody to just change my light bulbs.

So stay away America, as tonight I am going to win the Mega-Millions jackpot. Willy Wonka Bars for all who help contribute to the $175,711,536 I need to finish off the plan.